Truly Macarized

macarize: to pronounce happy or blessed

There was something I never understood…crying when happy…

I never understood why people cried when they were happy. I had never been so happy and filled with emotion that I cried.

But recently, for the first time, I actually felt myself holding back tears. It has happened twice now in the last two weeks.

I am so blessed and so thankful. I don’t know how I will ever pay my brother back for what he is doing for me. He is truly making a dream come true.

I am sooo happy right now. Things have been going amazingly! Dance on Tuesday was fun as everyone was getting ready for Ballroom Dance Night, then talking to a new friend for a good couple of hours was a good way to top off the night. Then Wednesday, at work, we had a potluck so there was tons of good food and good people to hang out with. Then! Wednesday night was Ballroom Dance Night, and that was, to put it simply, amazing!! I had sooo much fun!! And Favi and I went and got ice cream after and talked for hours. Then today…today I got such wonderful news…ahhhhhhh!!! I’m so excited!!!!!!

inanition

Inanition–exhaustion; the condition or quality of being empty.

I am absolutely exhausted.

I’m so exhausted I feel like I could cry.

I’m so exhausted I feel like I need to be held.

I feel like I’ve been standing for so long on my own that if someone would just hold me up I might be able to breathe for a second.

This isn’t my usual state, haha. I’ve been pretty good. I’m doing well. But tonight. Tonight I just feel done.

Tomorrow I get to go home. I’m not looking forward to the drive. I’m actually becoming a little scared, haha, I know, I’m a wimp, but I don’t usually do the drive at night by myself.

I need the break though.

I’ve never need a break more. Ok, wait, that’s a lie…at the end of last spring semester, that was seriously the time I have needed a break the most. I think this is a close second though.

I’m just so tired.

A futilitarian

You know how when you’re watching one of those behind the scenes shows on celebrities, and they are talking to like the friends and family and everyone is all “we always knew she’d be famous” and all that type of stuff??

Is it possible to know that you’re going to do big things?? You think they really knew that they were going to be famous one day?? Or is that just easy to say now that they are??

Are some people just born to do big things??

I suppose thats a matter of whether or not you believe it destiny…

Sometimes I get the feeling like I am meant to do big things…I don’t know if that sounds conceited or weird. I definitely don’t mean becoming famous or anything like that…I guess I feel like ne day I might to something great…for someone or something…I don’t know. I feel like I am meant to be successful.

My mother wanted to name me Kristy, but my father wanted to name me Kristyn, so that when I became a big time professional I could have a more business sounding name, Kristyn. So that’s what is on my birth certificate. Is it possible that even my father knew I was going to do something big before he even knew me?? None of my siblings got “business names,” so why me??

Perhaps I am just being hard on myself…maybe I just expect so much from myself that I am convincing myself that I am “meant” to be successful. Perhaps I am just going to force myself to be successful.

But then again, this could all just be wishful thinking. I just really want to be successful. But everybody does…I feel different from everybody though…but once again, maybe I am no different, maybe everybody thinks like that…

So what if some people are destined to “do big things??” Does it take certain skills to be destined for success?? Are people  who are meant to be successful just naturally good at things?? Are they good public speakings?? Are they friendly?? Likable?? Serious?? Goofy??

A futilitarian is someone who belives that human striving is futile…so would that be someone who believes in destiny?? I mean if you’re meant for big things does that mean you don’t have to strive for those things, because they’re your destiny, they’re going to find you anyway.

I don’t really believe that…I think you can be meant for something…but if you take a crappy way out, then you won’t necessarily find those things you were meant for. Like I don’t think anyone was meant to be a drug dealer, you know??

I don’t really know…I guess we’ll see what the future brings…

I’m just rambling now.

Baby it’s algid outside…

algid: cold, chilly

I love that song, Baby it’s Cold Outside, it’s a good one!

So I found a new love.

I feel kinda bad though.

I feel like I’m betraying hockey…

But hockey will always have a very special place in my heart.

This is something I have always wanted to do, since I was a little girl. It was even on my list of top 5 things to do before I die. And I’m doing it!

“It” being ballroom dance. I absolutely love it. It’s amazing how when I’m dancing (with someone who really knows how to dance, haha) everything goes away. I don’t see anything else in the room. Everything slips from my mind and I just dance in a complete state of bliss. I’ve been dancing 2-3 times a week, but it just feels like it’s not enough. I have always loved to dance. Anyone who knows me knows that I love to dance and often times dance when there’s not even music. My father used to put me to sleep by holding me in his arms and dancing me to sleep. It has always been a way for me to relax and forget all my worries. And although I love having fun and dancing hip-hop, I am absolutely smitten with ballroom dance. And I am so thankful for it, it seriously gets me through, haha.

The way it looks, the way it feels, it just a complete high when I’m on the dance floor.

Therapeutic Prattling

prattle: unintelligible/ meaningless talk

I think I might start a series of prattles…just rambles that go on which reflect the state I am in. I find it somewhat therapeutic.

I call this one:

If I was prettier…

I live my life day by day

I try to plan

In fact, I love to plan.

But I find it difficult these days

I feel as though I’m pulling myself a long

Juts day by day.

But the days seem to mold together

And I wish I could pull them apart.

I wish I could lay them side by side

And remember each one individually.

Because who knows when it will end.

So many beautiful people are taken from us too early.

Why is it always the good ones?

Is there a reason it’s always the good ones?

Do you think God wants them for himself?

Do you think it’s a compliment to be taken too early?

Well, I know one thing; God is in some good company tonight.

I’ve been living my life day by day for some time now.

Some days I feel pretty

Some days I don’t

Some days I think that if I was prettier,

Maybe he’d still be around.

Some days I feel like if I could just sit and pray

All day long

That God might answer my prayers.

Some days I’m on top of the world

And some days I feel like I’m 8 feet under.

This isn’t a poem.

There are no rhymes

No iambic pentameter.

I don’t even think this is really coherent.

But have you ever felt the need to ramble?

Like, maybe if you ramble enough,

You might just ramble into place?

Maybe ramble yourself into some great revelation?

I’m tired tonight.

Oh so very tired.

I stayed up later than usual last night.

Because of something quite unusual.

But it made me smile

And it was definitely a distraction.

For about an hour or so.

But I fear it was kind of an empty hour.

Fear is a strong word

More like

Suspect.

I’m doing ok though.

Just to clear that up.

The malfunction indicator light in my car came back on last night

After I thought I had fixed it.

I felt like bursting into tears.

Haha.

Life can get frustrating.

I feel like I can’t catch a break.

But I have been staying surprisingly positive.

So I’m proud of myself.

I am a perfectionist.

And I always want to do great,

But I think this is the first time that I am proud that I am doing ok.

Today at the lubitorium

Lubitorium…can you guess??

Haha it is a station for lubricating motor vehicles…

I went to get my oil changed today…my first time doing so by myself. The guy told me to go wait in the lounge, so I did. Then he came in and said “Mrs. Smith?”

I looked up. I shouldn’t have. Haha. But I did. Just a reflex I guess.

But because Mr. Smith was the one on record for having brought in my car last, he assumed I was Mrs.

It was kind of sad…

But on the bright side, I actually went and got my oil changed all by myself!! Something I reeeeally did not want to do. Haha. I know I’m all Miss. Independent these days, lol, but this was something I had really wished I could still depend on someone for. =]

I’m over it now though. I went. It wasn’t scary at all. In fact, everyone was really extra friendly.

Yay me!

I pule at my stupidity!

To pule–to whine or to whimper

Haha, yes, I am just that stupid I had to whimper a little…

I can’t even believe it. Why would I look?? Why would I look at something I knew was going to tear me down?? Could I really be that stupid. Well, apparently. I was doing sooo well, but I’m curious and apparently don’t want to be happy. Haha. Man, how do I forget it now?? Never again, I won’t look ever again..I absolutely do not want to know. I want to pretend it doesn’t exist. I must get that image out of my head. Haha.

Man, I’m stupid.

Ok, but I think this blog will help. Being able to rant and tell myself what stupid move that was helps me from feeling sad…just mad, and stupid, haha.

Exculpate and Disregard

It doesn’t have the catchy alliteration of forgive and forget, but it basically means the same thing.

I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately.

One of the first references of forgiveness in the bible is in Genesis, when Joseph is told: “I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.’ Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father.” When their message came to him, Joseph wept.”

The list of verses concerning forgiveness goes on and on, as we are continuously reminded that it is our job to forgive. None of us are perfect, so we are in no place to judge anyone else for their mistakes.

To forgive is not necessarily an easy thing to do. But then again, if it was easy, God obviously wouldn’t have made such a point to say it over and over again.

People often accept apologies of others, but does that mean they have truly forgiven?? What does it mean to truly forgive?? To forget?? It seems to me impossible to actually forget. So how do remembering and forgiving work together?? Forgiving wouldn’t be hard if we could actually forget.

I suppose that is a major part of forgiving though: having the memory, but seeing past it anyways. Not holding a grudge toward the person for whatever it is he/she may have done.

Can anyone truly forgive on the spot though?? Aside from the occasional running into someone and apologizing, I think that is pretty easy to forgive. But what about much more significant events?? How do you know if you have forgiven??

It is a tough thing to do: to truly forgive. Especially when you have a memory like mine! Haha.

I’m working on it though…

I don’t think I can ever forget, but I hope to forgive. And I am pleased to say I am well on my way to becoming better at forgiving. I am quite the stubborn person, so forgiving is not always the easiest thing for me to do. But it is definitely a goal of mine!

A Slight Nodus…

Nodus: A complication or difficulty

So I bought a parking permit for this semester. $78!! It’s ridiculous. But I have yet to use it. I’ve been walking to school. Mind you, today is the first day of classes, but I had work last week, in which I walked to as well.

I have been doing so for several reasons: the weather is nice, hot, but I like it, for exercise, and to basically kill some time. One small plus seems to be all the attention I get. Haha. Now mind you, I am perfectly aware that none of it means anything, but I have never been hit on more times in my life. There were three different instances today alone. One time a guy was riding his bike behind me and I heard him make a comment about my butt to his friend, but I ignored it of course. Next thing I know he’s riding his bike next to me, saying that he had to get a look at the face that went with my body. He was perfectly nice. Of course I didn’t give him much thought, never even giving my name. One thing he said though that kind of struck me was that he said not only did I have a great body, but there was something about the way I carried myself. I hope that is true. I hope it is something that not only guys, but anyone, would notice. I truly hope that I do carry myself in a way that stands out. I know I am not the prettiest, or the smartest, or the funniest, or the most talented, but I hope I stand out in the way I carry myself: the way I present myself to the world.

Anyways, that was kind of a tangent, not the reason I initially started this post.

Even with all this attention I have been getting in the last two months really, I still feel like something is not right. Of course this seems to be the overwhelming theme in my posts lately, but it is quite life consuming. KHOP was amazing enough to definitely distract me. But now that I am back in Chico, I just can’t seem to stop thinking about things.

I feel like I truly know what would fix it. I also feel like I know an alternative that would do a pretty good job of fixing it. But I can’t seem to make either happen. I mean the school year just started, but I am losing optimism so fast!

Oh well. I just keep telling myself to stay positive. That should help, right??

Embrangled Once More

As I have written before, things haven’t been easy in my life for some time. With KHOP things definitely got better as I, for one, became distracted, and two, I really began to grow as a person.

I thought I made some real progress. I know I have made some real progress, but perhaps not as much as I thought. Or maybe so…I am still handling things better than before…I don’t know…

Which leads me into what embrangled means. Embrangle is to confuse, mix up in confusion, to bewilder.

I feel very confused right now. But! The most confusing part is there is a part of me that isn’t confused. However, that’s conflicting with the confused part of me, and well now it’s just one big mess.

I thought I new what to say. I thought I knew how I felt. I thought I knew where things were going. But now I am not so sure.